I’m in such a prickly mood, but I am really overcoming something. I need to write about it because this doesn’t happen all that often. In fact, usually what happens when I’m in a pissy mood or something throws me off my square, is I’m like, “Fuck it, I’m going to eat and I’ll worry about this later because eating makes me feel better.”
Food and my F*cked Up Eye
The reality is, yes, eating makes me feel good, but being fat makes me feel like shit. That’s just keeping it real. I woke up this morning with a little bump in my eye and I really hoped and prayed it would go away but it has become a full blown sty. And not only do I have improv tonight in front of these people that I do not know and hope to impress, but we’re going to be doing three hours of improvised comedy which includes quite a bit of busting on each other.
In addition to that, tomorrow night I’m flying to New York to see my sisters. I love them dearly but they are among the people from whom I’m most inclined to seek approval. I am going to feel like I’m getting sideways glances all weekend about my Quasimodo fucking eye.
Coping Does Not Solve the Issue
But, that’s neither here nor there. I know from 22 years in recovery that compulsive behavior added to a problem doesn’t solve the problem – it just gives you two problems.
So, if your boss is being an asshole, and you’re an alcoholic, having a drink is just going to leave you drunk with an asshole boss. It’s not actually going to do anything about your asshole boss so it’s probably better to just deal with the asshole boss…sober.
And the same can be said for my sty. Stuffing my face with fried chicken or pizza or cookies isn’t going to heal my sty. It’s just going to leave me with a fucked-up sty, and a fucked-up belly, and a fucked-up head. Probably better to just deal with it, feelings and all.
Stay on Track
So, just for today, that’s what I plan to do. By the grace of God, I rescheduled my trainer and I told her how I could feel it. I could feel it! I was having almonds and I wasn’t hungry. I was having an extra protein bar when it wasn’t on my plan to have it until the end of the night. I could feel the compulsion beginning, and I was very clear that a combination of the sty and the late nights was looming in front of me, not to mention having to face my improv group at less than 100%.
So, I reached out to my trainer and I told her that I was feeling like going off plan but I didn’t want to. I’ve been doing so well and its only been a week. I’m still in a very fragile tender stage of “it can go either way.” I’m not solid enough, and probably never will be solid enough, to use food to soothe my ego or my anxiety or anything else for that matter. Unfortunately, my trainer came back with exactly what I needed to hear which was, “You’re doing great. You’re stronger than this. You’ve been working hard, and you need to keep working because you deserve to feel beautiful and sexy and strong. The only way you’re going to get to that is to keep moving forward.”
I Will Not Lose Focus
Yes, I feel like the elephant man because I have this sty. I know that’s an exaggeration, but being honest, that’s how I feel. But the reality is I have a bump on my eye and it will go away. Most days I feel like Jabba the Hutt but the reality is my excess weight will go away if I just keep doing what I’ve been doing, which is eating healthy according to the food plan that supports fat loss and achievement of a lean body. I’ve been exercising and it’s been great. I swam 30 laps yesterday! 30 laps, you guys! A month ago, I was barely able to swim 10. So, you know I am making progress and I’m getting stronger.
And you know what I decided to do? I looked at my watch, I had 2 hours before I had to leave for my improv group. I got my damn workout clothes on, drove down the hill, and got my work out done. And then I came back and cooked my planned, healthy dinner. I plugged it all into MyFitnessPal to make sure I’d end up with the right macros. I tallied it up and ended up with around 60 grams of carbs, 14 grams of sugar, hallelujah! Another great day under my belt.
Now, it’s Your Turn
So, what about you? What are you overcoming today? What are you facing that’s a challenge and what are you tempted to use to deal with it? What tools are you going to use instead that will keep you going in the direction of your dreams, and will continue to support your ongoing health and wellness? I want to hear from you!
Till next time!