May 22, 2017

I guess I forgot to write yesterday. Oops. Nobody’s perfect.

I did do pretty well this weekend with my eating, overall, which is kind of amazing because I was traveling, spending long, long days at a conference (more than 12 hour days each day) and I was emotionally spent and away from the comforts of home. Any one of these would normally be an excuse to eat whatever I wanted.  I had treats here and there. On Saturday night, I went to the amazing macaron place and got four macarons to have after dinner (they weren’t as good as I remembered). And then yesterday, at the airport, I rationalized that it was my birthday eve and so I deserved Nathan’s French fries and some candy (Sour Patch Kids and Toblerone).

Truth be told, none of the sugary and fried stuff tasted as good as I remembered. And yes, it made me a little sick to my stomach. But I’ve realized something huge here, which is that I have to start from where I am. That means doing what I can do; what I’m willing to do, right now, and celebrating that with all my heart. Do I look forward to the day when celebrating my birthday means being even BETTER to myself than I usually am? Going out of my way to make healthier choices, and move more and rest more? Hell yeah, I do. Do I look forward to when it is just a way of life for me to fuel my body well; when I know the bar for what is unacceptable for me to consume (which right now basically just contains fast food and alcohol) is raised so that pure sugar, white flour, and fried foods are not  something I would even consider? Hell yeah, I do. But am I there now? Nope, I’m not. But I’m on my way there, and I’m happily making progress towards that goal.

Things are already shifting. Last night I threw away part of my sandwich when I got full, even though it tasted good. I switched from dark chocolate to milk chocolate because I knew what I was craving and if I didn’t satisfy that craving, I’d probably end up just eating even more of it. I still haven’t eaten the dark chocolate Toblerone I originally bought. What’s even more amazing is that I woke up at 7 am this morning and I went to the gym in the hotel, as I promised myself (and Claudia) I would, and I got a great workout in. Afterward, I did 15 minutes of yoga for my neck and shoulders! There was a huge breakfast buffet and I didn’t even waste any time looking at what was there for me to choose from. Instead, I went for what I knew Claudia would want me to have – hard boiled eggs and melon, and I put natural sugar in my coffee. All small shifts, all ways I’ve become willing to change. I let myself fantasize a couple times this morning that maybe one day I would be a prize-winning power lifter, just like Claudia. Anything is possible.

My beautiful daughter and sister in law are on their way to pick me up. They’ll be here in less than 15 minutes. So I’m going to wrap this up now and go downstairs to meet them. It’s my birthday and it may be the last one that involves junk food and cake. Where I am today is that I am going to relax and eat what I want today. And I’m going to hold on to the vision that by this time next year, everything could be completely different.